My husband was a handsome man full of love for his family and devoted to a life well spent. We moved many times together, packing up our life to follow the orders from the United States Navy. I knew when we married we were destined for life full of change.
Having grown up a Navy brat, I took to the idea of traveling to new places with a sense of fun and adventure! Knowing we would be together as a family come what may, gave my heart a sense of peace in knowing he would always be there for us to provide for us and protect our lives. It wasn't easy to pack up and move so often, but I loved my husband and wanted to be with him.
Years later I took to the task of moving every few years with Dan as a matter of necessity due to his military service. It never occurred to me to savor the years we had together until sickness claimed his life at the age of 67. We had many plans ahead of us, yet when he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, everything came to a stop. Shock and disbelief followed us every moment as he bravely underwent chemo and a stem cell transplant soon after being diagnosed.
Many trips to Philadelphia became necessary in order that he might seek treatment for a painful and very aggressive cancer. The University of Pennsylvania was the chosen place for much of his medical treatment, so we spent a lot of our time traveling back and forth from New Jersey. Life was centered on finding a cure for the disease which in just three years would claim his life. He told me he was ready to be with Jesus when the days became difficult and he was bedridden. Even so, he wanted to be near his family whom he cherished.
So here I am just a year after Dan when to heaven, planning a move on my own. At first the thought of doing so seemed overwhelming to me. I had never been the one in charge of such a big decision, having had my husband to do the planning while I did the necessary preparations required of me in the past. I knew he would take charge of the "big stuff" and I would follow his lead. So after much prayer, I set out to find a new place for my Mother and I to live near my children in Virginia.
A lovely apartment would fill the needs of both myself and my sweet Momma. A few changes in furnishings will be necessary; thankfully our children are willing to help us by giving some items a home with them. So it is with joy I prepare for another big life change! Just a few weeks to go and we will watch as the movers load our belongings and carefully place our memories on the truck and drive them to Virginia. God knows the desires of our hearts. Closer to home each day as life leads and guides us by the grace of God to new beginnings. One day at a time sweet Jesus!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Rediscovering my inner diva is a work in progress...how I found the joy in cooking again.
It started out as a simple lunch idea with quite a hint from my dear roommate, aka: Momma. Her next to the last day of radiation treatments for breast cancer found me willing to step up to the stove and find a way to nourish her worn out soul. She took over the meal planning several years back when we invited her to live with us after the death of my Daddy. I welcomed a delicious change in menus as you see, she is a fabulous cook! My childhood recollections and visits home after marriage proved one thing true: She is a master with a stove!
It was a bit of a transition for me from meat loafs and mashed potatoes to chicken and dumplings with fried okra, but to be honest my waistband can attest to the amount of fussing I made over letting go of the day to day preparations and cleaning up after the meal was finished. You see, it was my chore to do the dishes most nights after our family of five finished eating while I was growing up. Since both of my parents came from farm living cooks, it simply would not be right to exist on boxed macaroni! Not with a hungry family to feed.
Her hints at each meal fell on deaf ears for several months until one day she left some frozen chicken on the counter for me to fix while she was at her radiation appointment. Truth be told I simply did not feel like cooking but the all knowing look of love on her beautiful face won me over! After a year of grieving for my husband my heart realized joy in the simple desire to fix something delicious to share with my Mother. It occurred to me that she was teaching me once again to take yet another step toward the of healing my soul after the loss of my husband and his brother within a 12 month span of time.
I found myself humming while I chopped up the salad fixin's and made the decision to combine mayonnaise with sour cream for a tart but delicious mixture for the fruit. Then I simply opened an already prepared frozen chicken dinner and warmed it up in a skillet! I can hear my cooking friends gasp as I type, but truth is I have kind'a lost my touch as a cook. My efforts were enjoyed by my dear Momma. She know I prepared the meal with hands of love. Just seeing the smile on her lovely face filled my heart with joy.
Sharing our love truly is a matter of the heart. Every little act of kindness flows from a grateful spirit. At times I find myself desiring to reach out and boldly hold on to the hearts of those who need to be loved and nourished with the hope only found in the scriptures. We are never alone!
The bible speaks of friendship in this verse found in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10; Two are better than one, because they have good return for their labor; if one falls down, the other can help the other up. But pity the one who falls down and has no one to help them up. Find hope in these promises friends. For because of Jesus great love for us, we are truly provided for.
It was a bit of a transition for me from meat loafs and mashed potatoes to chicken and dumplings with fried okra, but to be honest my waistband can attest to the amount of fussing I made over letting go of the day to day preparations and cleaning up after the meal was finished. You see, it was my chore to do the dishes most nights after our family of five finished eating while I was growing up. Since both of my parents came from farm living cooks, it simply would not be right to exist on boxed macaroni! Not with a hungry family to feed.
Her hints at each meal fell on deaf ears for several months until one day she left some frozen chicken on the counter for me to fix while she was at her radiation appointment. Truth be told I simply did not feel like cooking but the all knowing look of love on her beautiful face won me over! After a year of grieving for my husband my heart realized joy in the simple desire to fix something delicious to share with my Mother. It occurred to me that she was teaching me once again to take yet another step toward the of healing my soul after the loss of my husband and his brother within a 12 month span of time.
I found myself humming while I chopped up the salad fixin's and made the decision to combine mayonnaise with sour cream for a tart but delicious mixture for the fruit. Then I simply opened an already prepared frozen chicken dinner and warmed it up in a skillet! I can hear my cooking friends gasp as I type, but truth is I have kind'a lost my touch as a cook. My efforts were enjoyed by my dear Momma. She know I prepared the meal with hands of love. Just seeing the smile on her lovely face filled my heart with joy.
Sharing our love truly is a matter of the heart. Every little act of kindness flows from a grateful spirit. At times I find myself desiring to reach out and boldly hold on to the hearts of those who need to be loved and nourished with the hope only found in the scriptures. We are never alone!
The bible speaks of friendship in this verse found in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10; Two are better than one, because they have good return for their labor; if one falls down, the other can help the other up. But pity the one who falls down and has no one to help them up. Find hope in these promises friends. For because of Jesus great love for us, we are truly provided for.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Waking up to the truths of God's word...powerful in every way!
I remember a song my Momma played on her piano when I was a teen. It was a love song of sorts, one filled with the desire impart love to another; It went something like this: "What are you doing the rest of your life, north and south and east and west of your life, I have only one request of your life, that you spend it with me." Being a passionate 16 year old I envisioned finding my prince one day, a man full of the desire to be mine forever! Thankfully at the age of 19 my husband to be, showed me the words of the song were an insight to the love we would share.
This morning during my devotional time I turned to the following verse from Gods word. Psalms 19:14 reads; "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord, my rock and my salvation". Once again I see how God in his infinite wisdom has given my heart yet another insight into a desire to find someone who will be with me in all walks of my life. Only God will always be available to me. All I need to do is trust him to be my hope for eternity!
There are times in my walk with God which fill me with love and compassion for others. In each person is a need to be heard and validated. To know others see them and care about them. A hope of better days to come. And yes, at times I feel as if my heart will break because of my grief in the loss of my husband to cancer last year. I can truly testify to the saving grace of my heavenly father. He has become my one true love.
I wonder sometimes how those without Christ are able to find peace when life fails to produce the answer to their needs. My husband Dan, was my dearest friend and provider; the father of our two beautiful daughters and a loving grandfather to three awesome children. A brilliant man filled with compassion for others and one who's hugs made me feel forever safe and loved. I miss his laugh, the sound of his footsteps in the hallway and every day my memories guide me back to the life we shared.
One day we will be together in heaven! But for now I find hope in the word of God. Psalms 33:20 reads: "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put hope in you." Psalms 34: 18 reads: The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers them from them all." Be encouraged dear ones, God will take care of you. On this you can depend.
.
This morning during my devotional time I turned to the following verse from Gods word. Psalms 19:14 reads; "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord, my rock and my salvation". Once again I see how God in his infinite wisdom has given my heart yet another insight into a desire to find someone who will be with me in all walks of my life. Only God will always be available to me. All I need to do is trust him to be my hope for eternity!
There are times in my walk with God which fill me with love and compassion for others. In each person is a need to be heard and validated. To know others see them and care about them. A hope of better days to come. And yes, at times I feel as if my heart will break because of my grief in the loss of my husband to cancer last year. I can truly testify to the saving grace of my heavenly father. He has become my one true love.
I wonder sometimes how those without Christ are able to find peace when life fails to produce the answer to their needs. My husband Dan, was my dearest friend and provider; the father of our two beautiful daughters and a loving grandfather to three awesome children. A brilliant man filled with compassion for others and one who's hugs made me feel forever safe and loved. I miss his laugh, the sound of his footsteps in the hallway and every day my memories guide me back to the life we shared.
One day we will be together in heaven! But for now I find hope in the word of God. Psalms 33:20 reads: "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put hope in you." Psalms 34: 18 reads: The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers them from them all." Be encouraged dear ones, God will take care of you. On this you can depend.
.
Monday, October 12, 2015
One step closer to the life we lived together....and yet one step further from the life we leave behind.
I have heard it said our lives reflect the love and heartache we have experienced along the way...lines of courage or hope shining brightly in anticipation of better days. In my lifetime I have been fortunate to know the love of many folks. Some have taught my heart to sing, others offered the quiet place I needed in which to be simply myself. A young girl in a woman's heart...attempting to scatter joy like rosebuds each day as my feet lead to still waters, trusting God for promises of his goodness and hope!
Within my memories of days gone by are many notes of gratitude for times in which I was given the honor of participating in sacred ways while other's spoke vows and love before God and their families. One in particular is beautifully written across the music from which I sang at a wedding. "I love you Renee" is written in red on the top corner of the sheet music of a prayer...oh how this cherished woman of whom I write, placed lovely memories within this heart of mine. Her teaching helped to form a lifelong love of God's word.
Another taught me to sing from my soul and lift my hands in glorious praise to our father whom we would behold one day in heaven. She had no pretense about her. She stood on the platform and sang from her heart of gold to each person fortunate enough to be present. I recall her taking in three little boys who desperately needed to be loved and cared for while their mother underwent a life threatening surgery. She bought them shoes and clothing and loved them with a servants heart.
One day we will be reunited as sisters in Christ. As the path of life leads me closer to the dream of being near my family again, my soul rejoices to recall days gone by and all the memories. But there are better days ahead! Times of holding my loved ones close and sharing worship, and delicious family meals...singing in the car to worship songs, football practice with my eight year old grandson. Seeing the look in my adult grandson's eyes one day when he looks into the eyes of his bride and says the words " I do" Enjoying the music of my granddaughter's laughter as she shares her beautiful life with me.
Saying goodbye to my life here in New Jersey will be a time of letting go...I leave behind my life with Dan and the heartache of losing him to cancer. A garden put together with countless hours of toil and joyful planning! A lovely home filled with plans we made together and fashioned with our love. Friends who have held me up in prayer and soothed my weary soul as I took one step and then another towards the goal of being whole again. My church friends and an incredible group of Pastors and leaders whose guidance I hold in high esteem.
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalms 16:11 Grow old long with me, the best is yet to be!
Within my memories of days gone by are many notes of gratitude for times in which I was given the honor of participating in sacred ways while other's spoke vows and love before God and their families. One in particular is beautifully written across the music from which I sang at a wedding. "I love you Renee" is written in red on the top corner of the sheet music of a prayer...oh how this cherished woman of whom I write, placed lovely memories within this heart of mine. Her teaching helped to form a lifelong love of God's word.
Another taught me to sing from my soul and lift my hands in glorious praise to our father whom we would behold one day in heaven. She had no pretense about her. She stood on the platform and sang from her heart of gold to each person fortunate enough to be present. I recall her taking in three little boys who desperately needed to be loved and cared for while their mother underwent a life threatening surgery. She bought them shoes and clothing and loved them with a servants heart.
One day we will be reunited as sisters in Christ. As the path of life leads me closer to the dream of being near my family again, my soul rejoices to recall days gone by and all the memories. But there are better days ahead! Times of holding my loved ones close and sharing worship, and delicious family meals...singing in the car to worship songs, football practice with my eight year old grandson. Seeing the look in my adult grandson's eyes one day when he looks into the eyes of his bride and says the words " I do" Enjoying the music of my granddaughter's laughter as she shares her beautiful life with me.
Saying goodbye to my life here in New Jersey will be a time of letting go...I leave behind my life with Dan and the heartache of losing him to cancer. A garden put together with countless hours of toil and joyful planning! A lovely home filled with plans we made together and fashioned with our love. Friends who have held me up in prayer and soothed my weary soul as I took one step and then another towards the goal of being whole again. My church friends and an incredible group of Pastors and leaders whose guidance I hold in high esteem.
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalms 16:11 Grow old long with me, the best is yet to be!
Friday, October 9, 2015
Maybe the very best things are the ones you have to step out on faith to find...
I have never been what one might all a brave soul at heart. Shy from childhood, I often found myself afraid to step out and be counted as one who could shine. Funny thing is, the light has always been there, I just never understood that pure joy isn't found in confidence in one's abilities, rather it is a result of knowing your heart and soul are shepherded by God. He, in his infinite mercy holds the only joy a candle of hope can cling to with heartstrings of trust. Merciful in every way, my savior is!
One Christmas I was chosen to be the angel Gabriel in our children's presentation complete with angel wings and a halo covered in sparkling pipe cleaners and shepherds who happened to be my brothers. I hid in the shadow of the more outgoing children...all the while wondering if I was chosen because I was tall for my age or maybe my sparkly blue eyes were simply angelic looking
enough for the part. I prayed for the whole thing to be over as quickly as possible.
Our parents were so proud to see us gussied up in our costumes while we portrayed perhaps the greatest story ever told. Pure fear shone from our faces as the spotlight gazed upon us as the story was shared by our pastor. I could hardly wait to get off the stage and back to my simple every day attire. Years later as luck would have it, courage began to replace fear and hope became anchor of my soul to this day.
One thing is certain...we can always depend on God for each and day to grant us hope and mercy so freely available and ever so near. Heart to heart, we are and fashioned in his image. I marvel at the deep and abiding love with which he cares for our every need. Oh, what a loving compassionate father our God is. As the tides of life ebb and flow the grace of one so much greater than we can even imagine reaches down to touch the souls of each weary traveler the earth has to offer.
Perhaps the psalmist said it best...We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your failing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33;20-22.). In peace I will lie down and sleep; for you alone Lord make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8.) He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father Prince of peace ( Isaiah 9:6.) Praying for my simple words from a servant heart to light the way to Him.
One Christmas I was chosen to be the angel Gabriel in our children's presentation complete with angel wings and a halo covered in sparkling pipe cleaners and shepherds who happened to be my brothers. I hid in the shadow of the more outgoing children...all the while wondering if I was chosen because I was tall for my age or maybe my sparkly blue eyes were simply angelic looking
enough for the part. I prayed for the whole thing to be over as quickly as possible.
Our parents were so proud to see us gussied up in our costumes while we portrayed perhaps the greatest story ever told. Pure fear shone from our faces as the spotlight gazed upon us as the story was shared by our pastor. I could hardly wait to get off the stage and back to my simple every day attire. Years later as luck would have it, courage began to replace fear and hope became anchor of my soul to this day.
One thing is certain...we can always depend on God for each and day to grant us hope and mercy so freely available and ever so near. Heart to heart, we are and fashioned in his image. I marvel at the deep and abiding love with which he cares for our every need. Oh, what a loving compassionate father our God is. As the tides of life ebb and flow the grace of one so much greater than we can even imagine reaches down to touch the souls of each weary traveler the earth has to offer.
Perhaps the psalmist said it best...We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your failing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33;20-22.). In peace I will lie down and sleep; for you alone Lord make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8.) He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father Prince of peace ( Isaiah 9:6.) Praying for my simple words from a servant heart to light the way to Him.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Life is really just another word for hope...at least for those who choose what matters most!
Sitting in the quiet of morning in my daughter's loft as the river flows quickly by the trees in my view from a beautiful window which overlooks the James River. I am giving thought to this morning's devotional...pondering the real purpose of my life. As a seven year old child I recall inviting Jesus into my little heart and promising to always trust and obey the scripture found in my new bible. Sunday was a day filled with happy songs and pretty outfits as well as patent leather shoes and an ever so stiff petticoat under my scratchy starched Sunday dress.
Not a day has gone by in my sixty three years without my giving thought to the promises I made within my heart those many years ago. I wish I could say kept close the hope I eagerly anticipated would be mine forever. Alas, as life stretched before me it seemed there would be plenty of time to focus on becoming the person I thought I needed to be to measure up to perfection. Truth is, we will never find hope in our dreams without the One who offers it so freely. Seems for some of us the cycle of problems and weariness hold our minds captive.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 offers hope! "All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." Oh the joy which comes over me when I take in the truths found within these verses. I do not have to be otherwise gifted in order to be useful to Him.
My dear friend recently asked me to consider sharing my testimony with a group of ladies at her church. It became clear to me it is not enough to simply hold the trials of life within our hearts ...we are to be as one traveler to another. Sharing bits and pieces of God's grace with others who desperately need to know another woman understands what it feels like to know pain so deep it nearly caused her to give up on life. And yet....God took this broken heart and fit all the pieces together with His everlasting promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"You will be o.k." he said to me.. you have your faith in God and He has never let you down." These precious promises came from the lips of my dear husband just weeks before heavens gates welcomed him home. Cancer may have claimed his earthly body but heaven had a hold on his soul! And here I sit, in my daughter's loft recalling testimonies of a dying man whom my heart adored. Tears flow from a broken heart as the mere whisper of his name opens my aching heart. He loved me, and I loved him. The good news is God loved us both!
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not parish but have everlasting life. John 3: 16". On this we can depend!
Not a day has gone by in my sixty three years without my giving thought to the promises I made within my heart those many years ago. I wish I could say kept close the hope I eagerly anticipated would be mine forever. Alas, as life stretched before me it seemed there would be plenty of time to focus on becoming the person I thought I needed to be to measure up to perfection. Truth is, we will never find hope in our dreams without the One who offers it so freely. Seems for some of us the cycle of problems and weariness hold our minds captive.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 offers hope! "All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." Oh the joy which comes over me when I take in the truths found within these verses. I do not have to be otherwise gifted in order to be useful to Him.
My dear friend recently asked me to consider sharing my testimony with a group of ladies at her church. It became clear to me it is not enough to simply hold the trials of life within our hearts ...we are to be as one traveler to another. Sharing bits and pieces of God's grace with others who desperately need to know another woman understands what it feels like to know pain so deep it nearly caused her to give up on life. And yet....God took this broken heart and fit all the pieces together with His everlasting promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"You will be o.k." he said to me.. you have your faith in God and He has never let you down." These precious promises came from the lips of my dear husband just weeks before heavens gates welcomed him home. Cancer may have claimed his earthly body but heaven had a hold on his soul! And here I sit, in my daughter's loft recalling testimonies of a dying man whom my heart adored. Tears flow from a broken heart as the mere whisper of his name opens my aching heart. He loved me, and I loved him. The good news is God loved us both!
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not parish but have everlasting life. John 3: 16". On this we can depend!
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