Looking for treasures in a very confusing life...the ups and down's of change

The memories of life before my husband died are vivid! Yesterday I searched for a very long time for glimpses of the man I loved for over four decades. It seems, in my haste to ready the house for a real estate showing I put away his driver's license with the intention of keeping it safe from wandering eyes as they came through on a tour of the place we call our home. Being of the over 60's crowd is proving to be a bit challenging as you see, I forget many times where I placed the important things I am certain to need later! Can you relate? Thankfully I came across the handsome faced license a few hours later, underneath our marriage license and birth certificates. Proof once again of the love we shared as man and wife.



Little by little I see the importance of being organized and having goals in life. My dear husband was very intentional about making sure to keep the main things (we call important) such as copies of policies, proof of insurance, maintenance agreements, appointments etc. in a safe place. Once he became ill and entered the ravages of chemo, which we hoped would cure the cancer he so bravely endured he began to have difficulty staying focused on such trivial things. Our way of life changed from looking forward to the years ahead to hoping he would be alive to see our grandchildren realize their dreams.




Looking back I see how we had more than enough love between us to grow a family. Our plans, to sell our home and move closer to our beautiful daughters and their family's were put on hold in lieu of cancer and the need for constant medical supervision. Oh, the hopes and dreams of a lifetime resonated so clear within my saddened heart. Did I express how much I loved him? Only every few hours. I would call out to him on my way out to the garden, " I love you Dan!" He would answer me in his usual style of matter of fact certainty" I love you too!" Each evening before sleep he would say to me " I love you, sweet dreams" the words my heart found treasure in. The words my own parents said to my three brothers and I growing up.



While deep in thought during my devotional time this morning I came across these verses in Psalms 116: 15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. O Lord I am truly your servant; I am the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains. Psalms 118: Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever. On days when I ponder if my heart will ever love again my Lord speaks truths to my weary heart. Psalms 34: I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 31: 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Yes, I have more than enough love to last my lifetime....because I am a child of the creator of life!

Precious Lord...flood my soul..love beyond measure

I don't know about you, but I seem to spend a lot of time planning for days to come. My dear husband's Mom called this "wishing my life " away! I guess I didn't see things the way she could through the eyes of a gifted teacher and Mom to two handsome sons. Not a day goes by without my thinking of some new plant to find at the garden center, or perhaps a different way to arrange the living room. Always changing my direction when it comes to what I am about to do on a given day!
Being focused is a simple thing for most, but for this girl my creative spirit can be known to get a bit distracted, to say the least.


One purpose never changes however...my passion for learning more from God's precious word. As I glance at my alarm clock each morning it's as if all that is within me longs for that first cup of coffee with Jesus each morning. Today I was a especially ready to sit in prayer for my brother by marriage who underwent a drastic surgery to mend the damage done by the disease which claimed my precious husband's life here on earth just eleven months ago. Heart wrenching concern floods my soul as I long for healing to take place in his tall handsome body. So many memories surface as my heart prays in a compassionate way for him. Trusting God for the ultimate healing to take place in another member of this family my heart loves.



My Mother's words echo in my mind..."there are better days to come". Oh how my heart rejoices in this hope! I have watched her closely through a daughter's loving eyes as she underwent countless surgeries, military moves too numerous to count, decades of praying for a wayward brother, grief at the bedside of my Daddy as he closed his eyes in death . All the time pointing us to a great and powerful God who always keeps his promises to never leave us or forsake us! For we are children of a heavenly inheritance. One day we will behold Him face to face. I find myself longing for heaven, the hope eternal paid for in full by the blood of Jesus.



You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalms 16:11. There are so many things to be thankful for in this walk we call life. I feel such gratitude to God for choosing me to be a part of  loving family here on earth. Not only am I loved by my family of origin but my family by marriage and in the family of God. For there are few things in life which can compare to the peace and hope experienced when we live according to the life we have been shown and know to be good.  Life the poets call good...and God's word calls everlasting!

Feeling like a butterfly in a caterpillar's world..

The wind is blowing high today. As I paused to drink my coffee I heard a thud outside the patio window. I knew it had happened once again. The new lovely orange colored umbrella I congratulated my self with finding on sale, had once again been caught up on a breeze and flown into the side of the house! I quickly opened the door to check for a broken window or maybe a dent in the siding. But to my relief it was simply laying on the concrete swaying from side to side in the wind.


"Oh for goodness sakes I said to myself, here we go again". You see I haven't had the best of luck with umbrellas because the wind in our backyard has a mind of it's own! Twice, my next door neighbor kindly brought our sailing sun- preventing -thing- a- ma- jig back into our yard for safe keeping. At one point I even rigged a cord to hold it down. In the scheme of things I guess this really isn't such a big deal. But somehow it really bothers me because I want it to stay open and provide shade at all times.


After getting the problem solved I took the time to tip toe around the garden beds in search of some morning delight. I wasn't disappointed, as many of the marigold seeds I recently spread were popping up. Bravely holding up to the breeze they stood like little soldiers ready for the days to come. Tiny leaves so gently unfolded in perfect form like the larger plants they were harvested from. In a few weeks they too will bloom and thrive as the cycle of life repeats its glorious, wonderful way! Oh, how marvelous it is to be a keeper of a garden...to watch as God provides the answers to my need for creative expression!


But there is more...life is always filled with challenges to each and every heart which beats. 'To every thing there is a season.' In Ecclesiastes 3 we read: 'There is a time for everything, for every season of activity under heaven.' I find solace in these words of hope from God's word as I walk the path before me every moment of the day. He doesn't leave us in the place we find to be most comfortable. We are gifted in ways which glorify our creator. He made us to lift up hands of praise to him. To seek his face daily and to share the gift of hope and salvation he offers each person in the world.


I am thankful he doesn't choose to leave us on this journey alone and without hope. We have more than every opportunity to share the gifts we have been given. My life has been at times difficult and trying and if truth be known I felt alone and vulnerable as my life progressed. We have wings of hope to guide us to the journeys end when we will see Him face to face! Oh, how I cherish the knowledge of such a glorious life to come. Yes friends we are all souls, living in human bodies, running the race before us. And... sometimes, it takes a butterfly to show us what is really important.

He ain't heavy...when the weight of the world touches those we love.

I didn't sleep so well last night after a conversation with a young man whom my heart is deeply burdened for called me to share a bit of joyful testimony to the power of God's grace and provision upon his life. Many rocky roads have felt the uneven steps of this traveler to the tune of brokenness and defeat. Poor choices were to blame in many ways; a brilliant mind wasted so it seemed on life's trivial pleasures and sin. Oh, the nights I lay awake in heartfelt prayer for this one I hold close to my heart.



His words resounded over and over, as I lay awake staring at the ceiling of the place I sleep with every known comfort available to me. Difficult as it may be the choices of our lifetimes do find us reaping the seeds of foolishness  and hopeless mistakes. And then it happens! Someone takes the time to see the worth in a homeless man and takes him by the soul to provide a home and the basic necessities of life! A pastor saw the worth in this 6'7'' 140 1b. stature of a man and invited him to share his home and led his heart to find joy once again in fellowship with the family of God.



He gave him a job and afforded him the opportunity to work with gifted hands as a carpenter on the very property he called home. He took him to meet friends at the church he pastored and even saw fit to allow him to participate in ministering to those in need of strong arms and a selfless heart. Put him through a rehabilitation program which gave him back the very dignity he lost so long ago it would take countless calendars to measure. Oh, the grace...the love...Calvary love! The love of which poets speak and servant hearts seek...the love of unconditional forgiveness and hope.



The prayers of a mother's love...soul wrenching worry spread over a lifetime of prayers to God for the life of this young man she calls her son. He gladly shared how God had given him hope, a bank account, an income, dignity and a promise of security for once; since leaving home at the age of seventeen, to discover this world and what it had to offer. "God has done so much for me he said! Who could ever have predicted that I would be able to provide for myself, afford medicine and have the simple necessities of life. God is so good to me and all who believe in him. "



He shares hope to all who will listen. I couldn't help but remember a certain young man in the scripture who found himself penniless and without hope and yet he returned to the Father of his youth. Welcomed back as the one we know as the prodigal son! I wonder how many stood in awe as his father welcomed him home? The invitation is clear: Matthew 11: 28-30 - Come unto me, all ye who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light". Oh, and by the way the man I spoke of...'he ain't heavy he's my brother".

Written with love in tribute to the struggles of David Alan McCartney. Your sister, Renee'

Seeing the big picture...open my eyes Lord

So I am sitting here in the early morning enjoying a cup of coffee and reading a devotional concerning the ways God teaches my soul through every trial when I see, out of the corner of my sleepy eye a tiny bunny. Through the patio window I see a little face gazing up at me with the biggest brown eyes. So filled with gentleness and dependency on nature to take care of it's every need! I grabbed my camera, and tip toed into the very wet grass perhaps to steal a picture of this gentle creature which blessed my heart ever so tenderly with it's presence.


A little while later I looked up from my reading to see a mother bunny looking in the very same corner of the window as if to say "yes we are out here basking in the loveliness of your garden." These rabbits my precious grandson spent hours chasing away! And yet they return...
I wonder sometimes if with every turn of the soil it was me God was teaching to grow; as well as to weed out the useless stones of doubt, and fear; replacing them with lingering hope which caused my heart to cling to him. And yet I returned, day after day month after month year after year to the place where rocks and stones failed to yield a harvest and had to be replaced by fresh soil and nutrients in order to grow!


Choosing to never give up on the place I consider to be heavenly. Could it be I am seeking to find a pocket of hope close to the heart of what God deems our final reward? Heaven on earth it is to me this place of toil and sweat filled with birdsong. Just yesterday we watched as a yellow finch foraged seeds from a simple yellow daisy. Provision found within this simple plot I call my garden.  As I face the certain move one day and wave a final goodbye to my home of my dreams, I hope someone else will tend to this tiny paradise and glean from it's lessons.


Somehow without the man I loved for over four decades it doesn't feel like home. Yet my heart reminds me of memories held with heartstrings of dependence on one another. Of vows said before our family and prayers to be parents; of children's laughter and hopes and dreams! His caring voice on the telephone when my heart felt like breaking in two. Gentle footsteps on the hospital corridors so many times when it was I who lay in pain and suffering so deep I could barely breathe...and yet his voice comforted me.


Oh, I am blessed! May I never forget the gracious truth of a life well lived. Oh Lord, today my prayer is for the love I have been given to pour over those who are in need of a kind word or perhaps a touch of knowing from a fellow traveler on this road of trials and confusion. For it is only through your love and forgiveness we can find hope. "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139: 23-24. I promise...it is worth the journey.

Living with a lack of directional skills...every day is an adventure...

We took off for the trip to Atlantic City with the very best of plans; to seek out the service department of the not -so- near car dealership, which was on our calendar of things we needed to accomplish. As we drove through the downtown area it became clear to me we had simply taken the long way to our destination! Meanwhile we had a few giggles at the thought of being in the city with no idea of where to turn next. Happily I pronounced to Momma we were just on another one of our adventures to new places and we needed to relax and take in the view. You must realize however my dear partner in crime is 83 years young and has never sought the insides of a casino, for heavens sake.


I pointed out to her the lovely buildings and statues along with the Trump Casino and the Walk, New Jerseys shore shopping gift to any one in search of a city trip. The streets were full of people walking to their destinations, while we sought to figure out our way out of the oncoming traffic. Feeling proud of myself for staying composed while my mother worried at the thought of my missing a turn and going even further off the path to the expressway. As one can guess it was somewhat akin to the Beverly Hillbillies meets the city in a nutshell.


Thankfully we lived to tell about this perfect day of running around town with smiles on our faces. After going the alternate route to the car dealership we decided instead to get her car inspected! On to the next tale! Seems in order to find the inspection station you must follow the tiny green signs seen only by the most experienced of New Jersey drivers. I decided to stop to ask for directions and thankfully received a knowing smile from a lady in an office on the other side of the circle we followed, simply to find we had only to turn left at the green arrow and we would have hit the mark the first go round!


Oh, how often my mind has wandered at the realization of having gone the wrong direction more than a few times in my spiritual life also. Having given my heart to Jesus at the tender age of seven; nothing could have prepared me for a challenging life more, than my relationship with God. The ever present guide to my weary life bound soul. The arms which helped me when my tears fell freely in the agony of loss. Prayers uttered in oceans of heartache for the needs of those I love. Kneeling beside my bed calling out to God for the salvation of my husband who accepted Christ just a decade before going to live with Him for eternity!


Heartaches bound with love in the joy of knowing one day I too will dwell forevermore, with the king of king and lord of lords my hope, my joy and my ever loving savior. My prayer each day for you my friend, is for the experiences I share to somehow touch a deep place in each heart in order that YOU might come to know this personhood of Christ...poured out upon a heart which is willing to accept Him as the key to life forevermore. Isaiah 30;21 reads Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it". Trusting him to guide you. All the way!

Life's about getting out there in spite of the lonely times.

Today I set off on an adventure of sorts. Having spent the past several days wishing for some much needed energy it became clear I had lost my zeal of enjoying life due to my current circumstances. Rather than seek a way out of my self imposed home bound state, I took to sleeping away the better part of the past few days. True, my health played a big part in how I was feeling, but the past longed to whisper songs of willful self isolation despite my illness. I was in a unhealthy place in need of the freedom to just get out and experience change. Grief is hard work. Just ask those who are left behind.


So I did what most people would, and prayed to my heavenly father for strength and hope as this is my way of dealing with such issues. Also a sweet conversation over breakfast with my dear wise Momma also helped to steer my heart back on track. A friend and I wrote back and forth in the habit of messaging we call conversations of the internet kind and we shared how our hearts felt about life as we encouraged one another. How sweet it is to have a sister in Christ who is ever ready to lend an ear to the weary hearted.


So I readied myself, made a plan and took of for a day of blissful time alone with me, myself and I. Funny how we women purpose to nurture practically everyone we meet and yet we tend to overlook the very person we need to take care to love and treat with genuine kindness. Instead our days are filled with how can I be the angel of mercy for others and still maintain a zeal for living most necessary in todays busy world. Well the good news is we already have what we need to build us up and give hope and purpose for our lives...it's really quite simple: we must learn to take care of the life God has graciously given us before we can extend love to others.


The bibles tells us to love others as we love ourselves. Do we really understand how important this is? I am not referring to basking in day to day self absorption, but rather delighting in the gifts we have been given by a great and holy God! Gifts which encourage the broken spirits who so desperately need to know they have a purpose in life. Others bear the weight of abuse and loneliness with little hope of another to hold out arms of compassion and share the hope only we can offer as fellow sisters in Him.


Join me today in praying for the joy of salvation to fill the hearts of each person we meet in the days and weeks to come. One of my favorite ways to pray for the hearts of others is by simply asking Him to touch their hearts with his perfect love and protection daily. There is a balm for the wounded soul found fresh in the peaceful arms of Christ. The bible teaches us to "Come to me, all ye who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29.